Becca got off the river about a week ago, and after a summer limited to notes stashed in rocks along the Colorado River, we needed nearly that long to catch up. We cruised on down to Tucson so she could see her honey and I could catch up with friends, and we climbed, ran and caught up over pints of ice cream. Tomorrow we go our seperate ways, with tentative plans to reconvene in a few months. She goes off to nursing school and I continue to wander along aimlessly.
I see my life as a hub of connections, from place to place and person to person. Every day I hope to be surrounded by the love and laughter of good company, and for the most part, I am. I am proud that my friends are some of the best people in the entire world, and although blessed with such great and constant company, more and more I am realizing how much of life can be so lonely. So much of life is sacrifice, and how do you decide what to give up?
Often times we do not decide what to give up, it falls out. Years later we may look back and realize how we lost something along the way...be it a friendship, an opportunity, an adventure or even a part of your essence. Although I know I would not be here without those losses I cannot help but mourn them. We cannot split ourselves in two and go both ways, we choose. It is then that series of choices that defines our lives. It is silly to dwell on what could have been, on what was down the other path, to regret the life you are living, but it can be absolutely terrifying to walk on without looking back, without even trying to peer down the fork.
Although full of adventure, new faces, unexpected turns, there is a lot of loneliness, a desire for stability, a fear of inadequacy and failure, a constant anxiety about what lies ahead. For me it is a challenge to let these things go. It goes against my nature. However the hardest challenge to overcome is the loneliness. When all of your friends are finding their own new adventures elsewhere, it can be a lonesome path.
Right now I am just walking forward, one foot at a time, trying not to linger on what I am missing, but focusing instead on the here and now. And now I am going to Oregon for a few weeks. I will miss Arizona, I will miss my best friend, but now I am going to take it as it comes and go adventuring.